Sincerely, The REAL Warriors
by Murtaugh
Summary: There are many clichés written in Warriors fanfiction, some much more bizarre than others. This is my variant of "Dear Fanfiction" for Warriors. You'll see what the cats of the clans have to say about our fanfictions. Be my guest and enjoy the ride. Sit down, grab a bagel and your cat, and have a good time. No offense intended to anyone. On hiatus.
1. Jayfeather's Mate

**Disclaimer: I do** **not own Warriors. This applies for all future chapters.**

Dear Fanfiction,

Corrupting innocent minds is not the most efficient way to spread darkness and evil. You must use blood splatters, gore, battles for no reason, and murder, not foolish kittens who wouldn't be able to do it properly to save their lives.

Sincerely, Tigerstar, Brokenstar, and Scourge

P.S.: "M" rated Fanfictions should focus on evil cat overlords. Preferably us. We like killing dissenters…

A/N – Warriors doesn't have many "Dear Fanfiction" pieces, so I decided to create one of my own. Credit for the idea goes to Infinite Legend. Please enjoy, and if you like, review! Reviews really help new writers, like myself. They make my day.

QOTC: What is your favorite canon Warriors pairing? Fanfiction pairing?


	2. Gender Clarification

Dear Fanfiction,

I am a tom.

Sincerely, Firestar

QOTC: Who is your favorite canon Warriors character? Least favorite?


	3. Lemons

Dear Fanfiction,

I am a MEDICINE CAT. For all of you mousebrained twolegs out there, this means I CANNOT take a mate. I sincerely apologize if this comes as a shock. Well, actually, I don't. My mother was a medicine cat, and I think you know the complete and utter fiasco that ended up being. Your imaginations disturb me. I would never steal Cinderheart from Lionblaze. Briarlight is my patient and a friend, all she will ever be to me. Willowshine is not only medicine cat, but from RIVERCLAN! Do you WANT me to be worse than my mother? And Hollyleaf… No, StarClan, just NO!

Sincerely, Jayfeather

P.S.: The closest I will ever get to having a mate is Half-Moon.

QOTC: Who is your favorite medicine cat?


	4. The Relationship Destroyer

Dear Fanfiction,

I am not a mate stealer. I have no wish to take Firestar from Sandstorm, or to otherwise harm their relationship in any way. Firestar and I were never meant to be. He may be the love of my life, and I may pine for him daily, but it will never happen. I'm not even in StarClan anymore, I am somewhere else. I greatly wish for him to be mine, but I love him too much to ever hurt him. If you truly, deeply love someone, you'll let them go. If they return, they were always yours, but if don't, they never were.

Sincerely, Spottedleaf

A/N: I got more views, reviews, and favorites in three chapters than I expected for the entire story. Thanks to everyone who reviews and favorites!

QOTC: What is your opinion on Spottedleaf's love for Firestar?


	5. What Was That Name Again?

Dear Fanfiction,

What in the name of StarClan is a hammer? Hammerclaw? Why do twolegs see fit to give their warriors such odd names? We have names from Brokentail to Brindleface to Tigerclaw, but I've never have I heard of a Bubblepaw. What is a bubble? And don't even get me started on Starstar.

Sincerely, Yellowfang

A/N: Some people give their OCs weird names. Bubblepaw, Coyotepaw, and Racewind come to mind. I think we all know about Starstar.


	6. One Million Kits

Dear Fanfiction,

I do not have a million kits. I have a total of 7, read SEVEN, kits. Their names are Hollykit, Larchkit, Shrewpaw, Foxleap, Spiderleg, Birchfall, and Icecloud. I am a responsible mother, not a "kit machine", as you rude twolegs call me. I am also not a Mary-Sue who lives only to have kits with Dustpelt. You had better learn to respect your betters, especially those who are dead!

Sincerely, Ferncloud


	7. The Heart of a Dove

**Edit 6/29/2018: I am aware this is no longer canon. Please refrain from messaging me about Tigerstar's Shadow. This was written before said book was released.**

Dear Fanfiction,

I am not mates with Tigerheart, and I certainly did not have kits with him! What is this nonsense of us having kits before splitting up? I admit, I still love him, and he loves me, but we can never be mates. Fulfilling my destiny of having the power of the stars in my paws as one of the Three was far more important than forbidden love, as is my loyalty to ThunderClan. I became Bumblestripe's mate for a time after the Great Battle, but we broke up. I cannot forget about my feelings for Tigerheart, and that keeps me from being with Bumblestripe.

Sincerely, Dovewing

A/N: This chapter is for MyGallagherGirl66, who requested a chapter with Dovewing.


	8. The Actual Clans

Dear Fanfiction,

There is no such thing as BreezeClan, PureClan, LustClan, or any of those clans. Why do you twolegs insist on creating them? Apparently, being those who watch over the clans, we must clarify this. There are FIVE worldly clans: ThunderClan, RiverClan, WindClan, ShadowClan, and SkyClan. There are TWO groups outside the clans: BloodClan and the Tribe of Rushing Water. There are TWO ancestral groups: StarClan and the Tribe of Endless Hunting. There are FOUR ancient clans: TigerClan, LionClan, LeopardClan, and WindClan's ancient counterpart. There is ONE place where evil cats reside: The Place of No Stars, or the Dark Forest. Hopefully this clarification clears your addled twoleg brains.

Sincerely, StarClan, the GREATEST ancestors.

A/N: StarClan approves of those who review.

QOTC: What is your favorite clan?


	9. The Stick

Dear Fanfiction,

What is this? MY STICK?! Why in the name of StarClan am I paired with MY STICK! I… I can't even… It sounds bad enough to those who have no clue what you are talking about! It makes it look like Rock and I are together! I am not mates with a tom many moons older than I am! We went over this before. I have NO mate. I will NEVER have a mate. Now stop bothering me and leave me alone. Mouse-brained twolegs.

Sincerely, Jayfeather

P.S.: Now Berrynose says he ships me and the stick. Terrific. Positively terrific. As if my day could possibly get any worse.

P.P.S.: Shipping, like "relationshipping." You twolegs think you are sooo smart. Go away.

A/N: I would like to know who started the Jayfeather/Stick pairing.

A/N 2: I'll be updating more than once tomorrow, to make up for my missed days. I was going to do that today, but I had a bookshelf collapse on me.

QOTC: What is your favorite sarcastic line said by Jayfeather in the books?


	10. Language, Please!

Dear Fanfiction,

Warriors do not use twoleg curses… Mouse-brains. What do they even mean? We have our OWN set of expressions. Look inside those little heads of yours to see what we are. We are cats. Four legs, not two, with a tail attached. Get it? Got it? Good. This generation…

Sincerely, Mousefur

A/N 2: On chapter 30 of this story, I will be having my first question and answer session for the cats. You can ask any question, and I do mean any, and they will answer them to the best of their ability. Questions can be for any character, not just the ones who have written. Send your questions via PM.

QOTC: Who is your favorite ThunderClan elder?


	11. An Alliance for the Dark

Dear Lord Voldemort,

I propose an alliance between my cats and your Death Eaters. We are fighting for much of the same goals; to preserve the purity our blood in our world and to protect the traditions we hold dear. Both of our worlds are being contaminated by outside influences .It would be wise for master strategists like ourselves joined together; with our intellect, our plots to destroy our enemies, take over, and preserve our realms could not possibly fail. Together we could be invincible. I await your reply.

Sincerely, Tigerstar of the Dark Forest

QOTC: Who is your favorite Harry Potter character?


	12. Of Twolegs and Highschool

Dear Fanfiction,

I do not care what you think or desire; warriors are not, and never will be, twolegs! We do not have a "high school." What even is that? We have training as apprentices for warrior and medicine cat duties. We are absolutely not a part of that "human AU" or whatever you mousebrains call it. We have paws, fur, tails, and we walk on FOUR legs, not two!

Sincerely, Yellowfang

QOTC: Do you agree with the rule that medicine cats are not allowed to have mates?


	13. The Grammar Nazi

Dear Fanfiction,

Why is it SO hard to use proper grammar? How do you expect other twolegs, or myself, to read what you write if it is IMPOSSIBLE to understand? StarClan, is it so difficult to put a space in between your words? Stop mushing your sentences together so much, have you ever heard of a paragraph? And enough with the trollfics. Being a warrior after leaving my medicine cat duties is hard enough!

Sincerely, Leafpool

QOTC: Do you like Leafpool in the books? Why or why not?


	14. Mobile Devices and Expensive Cars

Dear Fanfiction,

We are not twolegs. We don't have "mobile phones" or "laptops." We have paws, not furless hands you twolegs get. And for the love of StarClan, we don't have a "Pawbook" to follow or "friend" other cats with. Though, if we did, I am sure Firestar would be quite popular.

There is also no such thing as a "Furrari" or a "Pawrsche." We are cats; we do not have monsters. It is dangerous for any cat to be anywhere near a Thunderpath. We do not live in a "human AU."

Sincerely, Bluestar

A/N: It would be interesting to see some of the cats' Pawbook profiles. Especially Crowfeather's.

QOTC: Who is your favorite canon leader? Who is your favorite fanfiction leader?


	15. Human to Cat - Cat to Human

**I do not own Ashenfoot and Featherfall. They belong to Dawnflightt. Check out her story, Falling Feathers!**

Dear Fanfiction,

Unfortunately, there is no way for twolegs to turn into cats and vice versa. The Moon Pool is used for meeting with StarClan; it can't be used as a portal to change a twoleg into a cat. There are no prophecies that have been given by StarClan that involve a twoleg, StarClan lacks the power to summon one of them. Additionally, it would be nearly impossible for the twoleg to become trusted by us if we knew what they were! Look at the terrible things they've done to us! They destroyed the old forest, planted fox traps that nearly killed Firestar, crippled Cinderpelt with their monsters and killed Shrewpaw with them, killed and poisoned cats with the vile toxic water they left behind, and so much more!

P.S.: If the Dark Forest crisis and the Great Battle was not a dire enough situation for StarClan to try and involve a twoleg, what would be?

Sincerely, Ashenfoot and Featherfall

A/N: Yes, I'm looking at you, pillowrabbit, dawnflightt, Fireworksafterdawn, and Xelaric the Nobody. Very good human-cat or vice versa stories by these authors. It takes a skilled author to write one of them well, with a unique plot.

QOTC: What is your favorite Warriors fanfiction?

QOTC 2: What clichés should I address next?


	16. Squirrelflight's Shattershipping Tirade

Dear Fanfiction,

Though this should be obvious to you mousebrains, I am NOT, and never will be, mates with Ashfur. He was too overprotective, and wouldn't let me defend myself on that patrol with Sandstorm. He wouldn't let me deal with that badger. He made me look helpless. There was also the tiny fact that he tried to _**MURDER MY FATHER AND MY SISTER'S**_ _ **KITS!**_ Then he has the sheer _audacity_ to plan to reveal my sister's secret _at a Gathering_ to try to _**DESTROY. MY. FAMILY!**_ So I rejected him for Brambleclaw and broke his heart, _poor, poor_ Ashfur. _That doesn't mean that he gets to take revenge on everyone I care about!_ Lots of other cats have been rejected and have moved on, fallen in love again, taken a mate. Look at Cinderpelt; she loved my father for nearly her entire life, but moved on and supported his relationship with Sandstorm. She stayed loyal, was reincarnated as Cinderheart, and found love with Lionblaze. Look at Spottedleaf, who also loved my father, yet didn't lash out at everything when he couldn't be hers. Ashfur deserved his fate. Though I wish Hollyleaf didn't murder him, by that point he was too dangerous to be left alive. Why he was allowed to join StarClan, I don't know or understand. He was perfectly capable of controlling his feelings, yet didn't. I will _**NEVER**_ forgive him for what he did.

Sincerely, Squirrelflight

A/N: At times, I do think that Ashfur would have been a better mate than Brambleclaw, but his reaction to his rejection suggests a relationship between the two could turn emotionally abusive.

QOTC: Do you agree with Squirrelflight? Who do you think is the best cat for her?


	17. Descriptions and Appearances

**Wow… Just, wow. 4,435 views, 88 reviews, 18 followers, and 9 favorites. I certainly didn't expect to be this popular this quickly** **.** **Thank you for your support!**

Dear Fanfiction,

What exactly do you twolegs think we look like? There are certainly no jaw-dropping she-cats whose pelts shimmer or shine day and night. That is unnatural. Our pelts may change color slightly depending on the light, but that is it. Are you thinking of RiverClan? Their pelts have a natural sheen, originating from their diet of fish. We don't have colorful dots on our fur either; is that even possible? Firestar was known for his orange fur, Cloudtail for his white fur, and Redtail for his red, but no cat has such outrageous fur colors as pink, green, yellow, purple. Remove these from your heads, young ones.

Sincerely, Tallstar

QOTC: What is your favorite song, and are you able to sing it well?


	18. The Perfect Cats

**Wow! 100 reviews! Thank you to all of you who support this story and who continue to return!**

 **Dawnflightt, LavenderCrystalOfRoses, Ponybird21, Piks, Snowcrystal of Thunderclan, Akitsune Lune, MyGallagherGirl66, SlittingCornorSmores, Silverdrop, Luckyclaw of ThunderClan, Arrowfeet, I-really-hope-not, Venomheart the Dreamer (for alerting me that my story violated rules initially), Azrakats, Rainy Spirit, Shadowstorm11, SilverstarofOceanClan, Hazelflight, catloverxz, and all the variously named guests, thank you for your feedback!**

Dear Fanfiction,

No cat is perfect. So why, high and mighty twolegs, do you choose to portray some as such? You make cats that have powers rivaling StarClan with ridiculous prophecies pertaining to them. If a she-cat, like myself, she is always gorgeous, her pelt _sparkles_ , and every tom near her drools and fights over her, no matter if they have a mate or not. Does the name _Starkit_ sound _familiar_ , by any chance? And if this cat is a tom, he is always ruggedly handsome, has _rippling_ muscles, and every she-cat swoons in his presence. Of course, it doesn't matter what clan this cat is in, because at Gatherings toms and she-cats from other clans react the exact same way if said cat just graces them with a glance. Let me, the wonderful Icecloud, clarify. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN! No cat has just as much power as StarClan, or attracts the opposite sex like mossball attracts kits. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have _much_ more important things to be doing right now.

Sincerely, Icecloud

P.S.: Don't tell Foxleap, but he's nowhere near as attractive as he thinks he is.

QOTC: Who is your favorite author?


	19. The Breezepool Papers

**Rainy Spirit: It happens. I happen to have a rather bad memory at times, so I know what it feels like.**

 **Ponybird21: I… I don't know what to say. Thank you.**

 **Dawnflightt: Good to have you back. I think Icecloud would have been an interesting character if she** **was given** **more development.**

Dear Fanfiction,

Why would I ever want to be mates with that ThunderClan scum! I will NOT be like my father! Besides, she betrayed me and our comrades in the Dark Forest. She doesn't deserve anyone's affection, let alone mine. I don't think she even WANTS a mate, from what I've seen of her in Dark Forest. I already have a mate in WindClan, Heathertail. I would never betray my clan and clanmates for another cat; I didn't do anything wrong by allying with the Dark Forest.

Sincerely, Breezepelt

QOTC: Are you a fan of the Pokémon franchise? If so, what is your favorite pokémon?

I haven't followed the francise closely in years. My favorite pokemon is Latias, from the 5th movie, Pokémon Heroes: Latios and Latias.


	20. Crossing Over

**Anonymous: Never** **seen** **those authors** **.** **I'll look** **at them** **.**

Dear Fanfiction,

I may have been known as one of the more open-minded cats in the Clans, but even I can't believe that some of the things you put in our Clans actually exist. Who is Harry Potter? Does he have anything to do with the "Death Eaters" mentioned in Tigerstar's bid for an alliance with this "Voldemort" fellow? Don't be surprised I know of that; Tigerstar was my greatest enemy, and I had to be aware of everything he did, but I digress. Harry Potter and anyone with him have never appeared in clans, and I'm sure they don't exist. The magic you twolegs speak of does not exist, although StarClan can do similar things to what I'm informed you think magic can do.

No pink balls have ever appeared in the clans either. I've seen many strange things, but never a living pink ball. What is it called? Kirby? No, that has never appeared. Nor has a masked man with a sharp silver object, an orange ball with a long pointy stick, and a strange creature with a big nose and a large wooden object he flattens things with. Nor have we met a tom named Ash with a yellow mouse companion. Mice don't even get that big.

Sincerely, Firestar

QOTC: What's your favorite TV show?


	21. Reincarnation - StarClan Speaks

**RiverClanRules124346: Thank you for criticizing politely. I** **understand** **how you feel, but I have to do AU scenarios because they are a large part of the fandom, and I can't exactly write the reactions differently. I don't think the cats would approve of being twolegs** **. I agree with you about the medicine cats,** **though.**

Dear Fanfiction,

We appreciate that you portray us as powerful, but reincarnation doesn't happen nearly as often as is written. We have only reincarnated four cats. Cinderpelt was reincarnated to Cinderheart, while Jay's Wing, Lion's Roar, and Dove's Wing became the Three: Jayfeather, Lionblaze, and Dovewing. Cinderpelt's life was altered heavily by her injury, but she never complained, and served faithfully as a medicine cat until her death. She deserved a second chance at life, and at love. The Three were necessary to save the Clans, including ourselves, from the Place of No Stars. Unless similar circumstances develop, no other cat will be reincarnated.

Sincerely, the Cats of StarClan

QOTC: How do you feel about Cinderpelt's reincarnation? Do you agree or disagree?


	22. Twice Forbidden

Dear Fanfiction,

Stop portraying me as having three separate cats fighting over me! Feathertail was dead when Leafpool and I fell in love. She certainly did not fight Leafpool over me after I pulled her up the ledge, and we confessed! Leafpool had her approval, thank StarClan. You mousebrains should know who I love the most. (Sighs) Feathertail was my first love, and will always be my first choice. It isn't an easy decision. I truly love Leafpool, and would have stayed with her if it wasn't against the my decision have changed if Leafpool and I stayed together for a long time? Perhaps, but only StarClan knows for sure. I never meant to have kits with her, and was mortified when I found out about them, but I love Jayfeather, Lionblaze, and Hollyleaf. I can't show it because of our loyalties, but I am prouder of them than I can put into words. I regret nothing. As for Nightcloud, I only took her as a mate to prove my loyalty to WindClan. I never loved her, and she knew that, judging by her jealousy of Leafpool and how she would get angry should I even glance at her. She poisoned my son's mind, and made him believe that I hated him, and so he hated me in turn. He didn't want to be like me, and combined with his mother's encouragement of him and my disregard, he turned to the Dark Forest to prove his loyalty and get revenge. I finally snapped when he attacked Lionblaze. His actions are his own, and though he has taken steps to redeem himself, I will not forget what he has done.

Sincerely, Crowfeather

QOTC: Who do you believe Crowfeather should choose?


	23. Foreign Creatures

**I** **looked at Tigerheart's Shadow on** **the** **Warriors wiki.** **Dovewing is mates with him now and has his kits. I published the chapter on Dovewing, The Heart of a Dove, back in July** **of 2017** **. Tigerstar's Shadow was released in September. I** **know** **I have continuity errors now. No need to point that out anymore.**

 **Regarding animals in the clans** **,** **this** **chapter** **addresses all but foxes. I have a special plan for that. The character addressing this helped a baby fox, but was later forced to fight it. That is your hint.**

Dear Fanfiction,

The clans are made up of only cats. We do not allow boars, wolves, raccoons, rats, mice, skunks, or any other animal in the clans. What are boars and skunks? I've never seen any of those. Rats are dangerous to us, and eaten as prey when safe. Even if these animals weren't dangerous to us, we still can't understand them. You twolegs are very silly sometimes.

Sincerely, Mistystar

QOTC: What is your favorite computer game? Console game?


	24. Leaves of a Holly

**Dawnflightt:** **I'm chuckling internally from your post.** **I didn't think Fidgetpaw was out of the ordinary or funny. I never saw anything wrong with Frecklewish either, but now…**

Dear Fanfiction,

Despite what you may think, the Clans do not allow foxes to join, much less serve as warriors. I guess I should know. I took care of a fox cub briefly during my self-imposed exile from the clans. It was scared, so I kept it warm, just as a mother would. I encountered the same fox sunrises later. I hoped it would recognize me, but it did not, and thought me to be prey. That upset me quite a bit. I learned my lesson; don't expect other animals to be grateful for what you do for them. Foxes are enemies of the Clans, and we must drive them away or kill them, lest they attack our apprentices and kits for food.

Sincerely, Hollyleaf

QOTC: Of the siblings, who is your favorite? Hollyleaf, Lionblaze, or Jayfeather?

QOTC 2: What is your favorite Christmas, Hanukkah, or holiday song?


	25. Gaystripe

Dear Fanfiction,

My name is GRAYstripe! You know, best friends with Firestar, former mate of Silverstream, current mate of Millie, father of Feathertail, Stormfur, Blossomfall, Briarlight, and Bumblestripe, that Graystripe? There is an r between the g and the a, otherwise known as I AM NOT GAY WITH FIRESTAR! Sheesh! No more pairing me with Firestar, you're making Silverstream, Millie, and Sandstorm mad, and trust me, you DO NOT want to deal with those three when they are mad. Graystripe, not Gaystripe. Get it? Got it? Good.

Sincerely, GRAYstripe

QOTC: Who do you prefer Graystripe with? Silverstream, Millie, or someone else?


	26. Message to Narnia

**Sharpbreeze: I appreciate the compliment. I do my best, and I hope I continue to improve in the eyes of my readers.**

 **Dawnflightt: I've read stories where Hollyleaf's power is extreme speed. I think it fits her.**

 **Wolfwhisper of RiverClan: The Hunters have probably thought of that name. I wouldn't be surprised if it has been suggested on BlogClan. Fun website and great community if you aren't a member.**

Dear Narnia,

Give it up, we're much better than that furball of yours. We're purrfect compared to that catastrophe Aslan.

Sincerely, The Clans

QOTC: Do you have a resolution for 2018? If so, will you share?


	27. Tigerstar Isn't Mushy

**Wolfwhisper of RiverClan: I do intend to write serious fanfictions. I have a solid idea for Warriors, and a couple for Harry Potte** **r.**

Dear Fanfiction,

I do not love Firestar. I hate that kittypet, that mange-pelt. Letting in useless kittypets and filth, muddying warrior blood, giving away prey and herbs as if he'll never run out. Always asking for advice. Always showing compassion. It makes him weal. He wouldn't know true power if it was rammed up his muzzle.

I am not a mushy, romantic cat. I do not wish endless happiness upon every cat I see. I am evil. I am ruthless. I kill those who stand in my way. I do not stop training when my apprentice gets so much as a scratch. Stop portraying me that way. If you mousebrained twolegs keep doing it, I will hunt you down myself. Do not test me.

Sincerely, Tigerstar, who is not mushy.

P.S: I do not love Bluestar either. Why don't you get it?


	28. Leaves Don't Mix With Ash

Dear Fanfiction,

I have no feelings for Ashfur. I will never have feelings for Ashfur. He threatened to kill me and my siblings just so he could get back at Squirrelflight! I could never love a cat who would do that. Why do you twolegs pair me with him? I will admit, killing him was not something I should have done, especially since I revealed who my parents were at that gathering anyway. In the end, if I, a cat who murdered a clanmate, can get into StarClan, Ashfur deserves his spot, as well. He was a cat who loved too much, and let his feelings consume him. I've heard a twoleg saying about love. I believe it was something like, "It is better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all."

Sincerely, Hollyleaf

QOTC: If you could spend a day with any character from a book, movie, or video game, who would it be, and why?


	29. Sexuality Clarification

**Apologies to all of you for my unintended hiatus. Updates will resume, as I now have time to write them.**

 **On a completely unrelated note, it seems that my previous question of the day was quite difficult for some to answer. I shall strive to create questions of similar difficulty.**

 **GoldenDove: I appreciate the review blitz.**

Dear Fanfiction,

I am not gay. Graystripe is a friend.

Sincerely, Firestar

A/N: This trope seems rather common. Graystripe already had his say.

A/N 2: Next chapter is Q/A. Last chance to P/M any questions. Right now, it is rather short.

QOTC: Do you play a musical instrument? If so, what?


End file.
